2025 06 30 - Where I'm at

 

It’s amazing the impact that weather has on me now. A rainy weekend just now affects me negatively with naps all day and going to bed at 8:30 while a sunny low humidity day makes me feel like I can do anything. It never used to be like that. While Marlene did suffer from SAD in the winter, her mood always kept me up high regardless of the time of year.

 

It’s funny but I used to scoff at people saying they did not know who they were and today I find myself in that same predicament. My sense of identity and purpose is nonexistent. Everything was about being there for her but now it’s like what’s the point. All part of the process of healing I know.

Being of service of any kind brings about anxiety and not fulfillment. Like a solution to be found or a goal to be attained, I just see a directionless blank canvass.

I’m spending like I have five years to live rather than twenty looking in all the wrong places for any bit of happiness.

On the positive side, I’ve begun basic cooking forced on me by the doctor and most recent blood results of blood sugar and cholesterol. So, I guess it’s time for an attitude change and move on to whatever that might be.

Max is turning 14 today June 30^th so I will take him to the pet store to get a toy and some treats. Heck I might even take the BBQ out of storage and cook us a steak.

I truly am doing much better. 

2022 09 17 All Upside down Plastic Ban

 So we’re banning plastic bags and now straws, which is great but do we all understand that these account for less than 1% of all the plastic we buy, use and consume?

Why is this reality not sinking in. The roasted chicken container for example not to mention all other type of plastic containers with most not being recyclable at all with the black plastic in particular.

 

It is the easy way out for everyone, a way to buy time sort of speak until we are all forced into actually doing something about it. Our human nature and dare I say laziness needs to be challenged.

 

I’ve noticed on my daily walks particularly during garbage day that most bags categorized as Garbage contain recyclables and during the Recyclable week they contain all matters of the garbage category. Why is this not being monitored by the City? I suggest spot checks and follow ups with the residents to educate and fine if these repeat themselves.

2020 10 19 A Good News Story

 It’s been a while I know but a Good News story today that played out with the call from someone with the ending letters “gist” in their title. Cryptic words but to those in the know it makes perfect sense.

 

A reduction in size with nothing showing elsewhere was the best news in a long time. The treatments are obviously working so let’s keep going. It was a Good Scan he said and therefore it’s a very good day and truly a Good News Story.

2019 11 18 The Crotchety Effect

 Is it something physical, mentally related and physiological or perhaps hormonal that explains it all whether any one of these of a combination of all to explain why the short temperateness, moodiness and argumentative actions that seem more prevalent in one’s older years and may if unchecked or ignored get even worse? The “get off my lawn” syndrome diagnosis is real but what is its true cause? There are no doubt physiological reasons and perhaps the newly found free time and stillness brings upon matters that once were swept under the carpet are now being revealed with its corresponding ugly consequences. 

Is getting old playing games with your subconscious in revealing regrets that are just now catching up to oneself and that while for many years we would accept these regrets; but that now we develop a viewpoint that we’re not going to take it anymore. That while I was busy working and worrying about more important things and did not have time to address these issues; now that I am unburdened by work or perhaps now that I don’t feel I am contributing or valued as much; that this feeling has now transitioned into anger and that the issue at hand is but a trigger in lashing out and now reflected in one’s new unfortunate behavior?

 

Another hypothesis deals with the actual acknowledgement of getting old and that time is running out and that one’s life did not meet its full potential. You mean this is all there is? Now that my faculties are diminished how can I possibly ever catch-up or make another run at it at this stage of my life.

 

Is part of it perhaps the fact that as one gets older and gains more knowledge, certain aspects of life’s situations and experiences become clearer and that the BS is now seen like never before. Things in your 30’s and 40’s certainly are viewed in a different light and become self evident. Example 1: Corporations have no soul; they have but one purpose and that is to create wealth for its investors. The creation of jobs by these corporations are a necessary evil and get in its way towards making even more money. Example 2: There are no great deals from a retail experience. Either the markup was obscenely high to begin with, the product is no longer relevant or so out of date that it’s become a cost to carry more so that to let go for 70% off. No one not one store regardless of type will give anything to anyone out of the kindness of their heart. All is solely driven by the money aspect.

 

As it is critical in understanding this behaviour as one gets older; I am most grateful of this awareness and there is nothing silly about that truth.

 

2019 11 16 In The Moment

 Wow!! What a joy it was to witness world class figure skaters but nothing like the joy it was to see your face light up, focused completely on the performance and hands clapping with child like enthusiasm in what was truly an “In the moment” moment.

Sitting close to the ice surface, it felt like the skaters were there to perform just for us.

With expressions of “wow”; “did you see that?” to “you can tell why they’re world champions” to finally “this made me cry” for being so emotional resulting from the background story and accompanying music. Seeing you in this state was simply wonderful. 

There was no pretentiousness, concerns or worries of any kind during that ice magic event. A bright light if you will into how happiness is within our grasp when both feet are firmly planted in the present with no thoughts to the past and no worries about the future. That glimpse into how incredible you are as a person as we all are by witnessing this moment and its impact it had on you was pure joy in my heart.

2019 11 14 It Means Nothing

While watching the movie Tron last evening, the chairman of fictional company called ENCOM was announcing to board members that they’d just experienced their most profitable year ever and I could not help but think how insignificant such a statement truly was whether in a movie or in real life.

That the blood and sweat and long hours by employees not to mention the potential damage to family life and one’s own health all to please the shareholders must be the most wasted time and energy imaginable.

2019 10 27 Where are all the Store Managers

 A sign of the times I suppose, perhaps one more indication of the old crotchety in me coming out I’m not really sure but a point well worth making just the same.

Standing in line at a famous hardware and tire store; I realize as 10 people were waiting and with only one cash register open how you don’t see a store manager walking the floor anymore. Or how about the actual owner which is really going back but there is no excuse for a supervisory type management related person to not be present most of the time.

Someone with a vested interest in ensuring that everything is humming along. A decision maker that can see clearly there is a problem and to call in a few extra people to help before people start leaving their junk on the nearest shelf and walking out.

With local ownership dwindling and becoming but a branch or store number, I recently witnessed a minimum wage employee at a gas station left to figure out why pump #4 was not working, the fact the bathroom was out of service and the car wash not taking a customers code for some reason. A huge responsibility with customer service suffering for the sake of the bottom line by corporate somewhere definitely outside the province.

The owner or responsible party seems to be hiding from everyone. Cannot take criticism but would rather believe that all is ok. Some may remember the days when an owner or manager would be amongst their employees and interact with the public. I still remember some mingling whether it be a restaurant or other establishment asking everyone how things are going, was there anything else they could do for you and so on.

When was the last time someone stocking shelves at your local grocery store ever looked up and acknowledged your presence and ask if they could help as you aimlessly look up and down for an item?

A sign of the times but also a bit of sadness for what used to be taking pride in the service provided and appreciation for the business received. Please come out of hiding Store Manager! You’re all just being silly now.

2018 05 25 Looking Outside a Window

 Looking Outside a Window

Seems I’m always looking
Looking outside a window
Dreaming of what’s out there
Hoping I can explore it all

Hours dreaming of adventures
Hours wondering why I don’t go
Concerned about costs and safety
But feeling I cannot wait much longer

What is the solution I wonder?
Would it be different if time was running out
Seems like I’m always looking
Looking outside a window

From way back when wondering where you’d gone
To just now wondering how another left me once again
From early dreams of flying and freedom it would bring
To thoughts of regret now too old to make real

Looking outside a window seems to be my faith
Why me I wonder what the lesson has been
Longing for so long for wings to come along
Now seeking a way to one last adventure

Seems I’m always looking
Looking outside a window
From the passing of one parent
To the passing of another

Maybe the answer lies in the doing
One step and another outside the window
From one door to another
The sky opens, Finally I am looking from outside the window

2016 02 08 I wouldn’t have taken you for a country music fan

 A few people have said this to me through the years and with some bewilderment or confusion or maybe surprise I would think to myself… wow why would they say that?

I guess having spent a lot of time and energy in leaving behind what I thought had been a somewhat simpler time or perhaps a less generous viewpoint would be to say a more backward thinking time in my life; a decision to direct my efforts to move forward in what I believed to be growth by seeking other types of music, more complicated, progressive perhaps is the right word and except for the occasional deep appreciation of artist’s such Reba & Garth, I’ve repeatedly scoffed at the simplistic approach and have been critical of that one aspect and in hindsight I can see how others might interpret or think I was too stuck up or high brow to like such music.

 

A recent business trip to Nashville and visiting the new Grand Old Opry, the Ryman Auditorium (Old Grand Opry) known as the Church of Country Music along with the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum, something stirred bringing back memories as a child listening to Merle, Buck, Charlie, Conway and of course Loretta. I came back home having really enjoyed the trip but could not quite put my finger on it.

 

Then just recently on PBS’s American Masters a documentary about Loretta Lynn; an understanding a long time hidden in my memory and while I hesitate in the overused term “what speaks to you” I nevertheless get more of what life is about in those songs which of course is what country music is and always has been about.

 

Hopefully having matured and become a little wiser, a much better understanding and appreciation for lyrics accompanied by a simple guitar and of course a fiddle are now once again what I cherish most and while my tastes in music continue to be varied, I can only hope that one day someone will say “I always knew you were a country music fan”

2015 11 21 The Unbroken Tie Knot

As I unpacked a box which I’ve held onto since my childhood years, I uncovered old school records and Boy Scout items such as my original beret along with souvenirs of the jamboree held on PEI in 1977. As the memories came rushing in, my attention was suddenly drawn to a tie with a knot which I remember committing to never breaking.

I went back to that year when my uncle Alphonse first got married, I remember the panic in not knowing at the time how to make a proper tie knot and the person who came to my rescue was his bride to be, Veronica. With her tragic passing just a few short years later I decided that I could not undo what she had done for me on that day.

For me, this was symbolic of much more than a tie knot, but a symbol of who she was as a human being. Her ability to make you feel so special that you knew instantly that only from God and through her could such a person emanate such a presence. I still to this day cannot seem to shake off the loss of such a wonderful human being and believe it to be truly a blessing that knowing her for just that small period of time has enriched my own life.

How a person makes you feel being memorable was true in my case. Her lasting legacy and this tie with its knot still very much intact will stay with me until I and everyone else who knew her gets to meet again.

2015 11 05 Gun-Toting Frosty

I wonder how popular this item will be in the Moncton area this Christmas season.  Where does one begin to list the reasons why this is so wrong?  Let’s see, (1) it dispels the myth that Xmas is a time for peace towards all mankind as nothing says peace like Frosty holding a gun on your front lawn (2) While size may not always matter, in this case making it 7 feet tall ensures that everyone gets to enjoy this most warmest of decorations and be able to see fully while driving by (3) do I even have to mention the elephant in the room for all those members of the local police force and its citizens here in Moncton? (4) Finally, what of the practice of advertising Xmas before Remembrance Day as nothing shows respect towards our veterans about to remember our fallen soldiers on Nov 11^th than Frosty saying “Make my Day Punk”!

2015 10 09 Brief meeting with Sen John McCain

 As we headed out to supper after checking into our Hotel room in Manchester NH, the elevator doors opened and revealed two people heading down to the lobby just as we were. The one on the left from Nebraska and on the right was Senator John McCain. My first thought was we have two floors only and with the visitor from Nebraska making small talk, I felt compelled to extend my hand and say how honored I was to meet him. As a moderate Republican and one always looking for the middle ground and consensus in a house divided like never before I could not hold back my respect towards the man.

As I extended my hand to him; my mind was racing as knowing his war history and injuries; for a millisecond thoughts of Bob Dole and his own injuries on his arm and hand; I approached the handshake with not quite the usual strength which fortunately was met with the same.

He stated he was in town for an event to help out his friend US Senator Lindsay Graham from South Carolina who was at the time running for the GOP nomination. A mention by Marlene that we were from Canada brought about a response that he appreciated the tourism dollars spent by Canadians in his home state of Arizona. A brief glance at Senator Graham waiting in the lobby, noticing the black Escalade awaiting them both as we exited the Hotel doors, I was somewhat star struck for a few minutes as we headed out for some of the best BBQ we’d had in a long time.

2012 01 16 Help our own first?

What does that really mean? Do you believe that if more money was given to help our own citizens that the problem would go away completely? But wait a minute, did you not say we were giving too much money to the poor and welfare recipients as an example? Help me understand these two opposite views. How can we help our own people if you believe we help them too much already? You’re not really explaining your objection to foreign aid, are you? 

OK, let’s assume I believe and understand your deep concern for your fellow Canadian, neighbour, etc…so I assume you’ve spent a lot of time helping your local charitable organizations? Have you been fundraising to help those less fortunate than you? Please provide examples of how you put your strong views into practice. 

If, however you expect government rather than you personally to help our own instead of other countries, how is it that you claim government can’t do anything right? Are you not worried that the required help for your neighbour may not be as effective as you’d like because of this government ineptitude you keep talking about? If government should help our own first, please provide some examples that would make an impact.

Also help me understand how such a small percentage of our budget going to help other countries or our fellow human beings is so difficult to accept. Is it a question of distance so that helping Ecuador is ok but not Africa as Africa is much too far away. Just need to better understand the objections and if distance is an issue. It’s not enough to say that we should help our own, that’s what is called misdirection. By misdirection, I mean you’re using that argument of helping our own instead. What is your real reason for objecting to helping poorer countries. Be honest now.

2008 05 23 Question for Neale Donald Walsch

Neale: The third question. Yes sir.

Neale: Raise your hand please so they know where to take the microphone. Yes.

Allan: My question is if we have lessons to learn. If we're already perfect and part of God, then why do we have these lessons to learn?  Thank you.

Neale: What is your name?  

Allan: Allan.

Neale: We don't have lessons to learn. The fallacy is built into the question itself. There is no lesson to learn. I'm sorry I must disagree a little bit with what James has said from the stage last night. Life is not a school, and we are not here to learn anything.

Neale: We are here to remember what we have always known. There is a tree outside one of these buildings around here and that tree was once no larger than a seedling the size of my little fingernail and now it is a 35-foot tree, but it knows nothing more now than it knew when it was a seedling.

Neale: It has not learned anything. It simply became more of what it always was. It has been given no new information, all the data that it needed to become that magnificent thirty-five-foot oak tree was contained in the seed from the beginning.

Neale: So too is it with you Allan. There is nothing for you to learn. There is only for you to remember everything you have already known. The difficulty is that as we begin to call into our consciousness all that we remember we will deny it because it is too good to be true. We will deny it and I tell you before the cock crows three times you will deny me. Therefore Allan I am advised to suggest to you that you live your life from this day forward as if you had nothing to learn but only to remember and I'm further advised to tell you that the fastest way for you to remember all that you once imagined you had to learn was to… is to… remind someone else of what they think they have to learn even as I am doing right now.

Neale: Do you understand. 

Allan: Yes.

2007 04 17 Reflections

From a pre & post or for obituary purposes, the answer to who was he really is the goal of this small piece.

I’ve always believed that I was fortunate as a young child to be asking myself the big existential questions and believe this helped shape the person I became and continue to be and therefore was while alive. I believe I was indeed blessed as only by the constant asking of questions do some of the answers eventually come to you. We are of course scratching the surface in our current limited state but to seek and ye shall find I believe still holds true for all of us. 

Like assembling a puzzle, only by taking the time and putting in the effort into it do the pieces all start to fit together. As reiterated later, it does however take work and for many of us including myself, the work becomes too much and we simply go about our daily lives. It is fundamentally our inability to quiet our minds or to use the analogy, our inability to find the time and patience to assemble that very puzzle that is in front of us that is our greatest challenge. 

We function and survive while in human form and while we have been given certain tools to ask some of the deep questions all the while honouring our own deity, we are for the most part too busy to find the time to assemble puzzles.  

The world is full of people experiencing different levels of consciousness or perhaps a better word would be a level of understanding and awareness. It is generally agreed that to attain and experience some level of peace and awareness, various practices such as meditation and prayer are essential and while this was never my practice, the introspective in me may explain my desire early on to ask, seek and understand what I could regarding various aspects of human behaviour. 

While I’ve always understood that the characteristics that I came into this world with along with certain early childhood experiences would not make me many friends, I accepted and was grateful for what I had been given. Whether it meant that I did not succumb to peer pressure, agreed to laugh at someone else’s expense while in a group environment or that because of what I believed was more important than the need to fit in, this gratefulness continued but nevertheless I did have periods of deep loneliness and despair during a good part of my adult life. 

And so, it was and has been although to a lesser extent in later years that I have led a mostly solitary life and while I understood what was real and important and consoled myself in that knowledge, I most regrettably did not fully acknowledge real human needs and could have most likely sought happiness while not diminishing and still holding on to my known truths about all matters of importance.

As I look at certain photos of which I am a part of, I cannot help but think how I appear to just be going along for the ride, how this is really not our natural state but having made the choice to be here, we must take the opportunity to learn and remember as much as possible, in essence to continue to grow by experiencing everything we wish or as some would say have decided to experience.

I do appear sad in many of those photos but again in later years with help from casual acquaintances and special people I’ve met and that I loved such as family and the one person I truly loved and connected with my beloved Marlene, understanding why we are here makes it easier and more enjoyable. 

For me the greatest insights occur while in nature or out walking and while remembering one of Bruce Lee’s many philosophical statements such as how we all waste too much energy, my own view on life has been shaped around the knowledge that we are all interconnected and that while time is infinite, each lifetime spent on earth is extremely short and therefore any progress made to another level of consciousness can only be made by understanding these truths. In other words, any discussions held re a certain truth is but a delay in its acceptance and one’s own progress towards our true home. 

So who am/was I? Only what I perceive to be my truths can answer that question. 

On matters of religion, if we understand just how imperfect we all are and that while we can find fault with many aspects of religion while using words such as hypocrisy in describing the institution, the reality is that such talk and participation takes us away from our own search for self-knowledge. Resist the need to feel part of a like-minded group and begin the work and study of one’s own self which in turn will reveal who you are.

On matters of Love. There are no various degrees or conditions placed on Love and therefore any discussions about race, color, language or any other aspect of human existence is irrelevant. A God, creator or higher power with the capacity to love a billion times more than a mother does for her own child does not impose any conditions on the love everyone has and always will receive. 

On matters of purpose while on earth. To remember who we truly are and to believe in the greatness that is you. To experience challenges in your current state and practice the act of forgiveness so that you may remember and return to your true state amongst all that ever was and ever will be. 

On matters of work, seeking answers to the questions of our time requires much work but you will be rewarded many times over. Do not have idols, do not subscribe to anyone else’s thinking, and do not believe what you hear but rather search internally within your heart for the answers. This requires work. Asking someone else takes you away from the responsibility and its answer.

On matters of mind and spirit, all things of a physical nature are but a composition of various cells allowing us to learn, experience and function. What gives us thought however is from a higher realm and is that which maintains our connection to the Source of all things. It always lives within us and assists us in once again making the link to our true self. 

In matters of relationships, used to fill a need which we feel is lacking in ourselves, its true purpose is in identifying this supposed need within us, taking responsibility for it, taking corrective measures and continuing the journey of self-discovery one step closer to our goal.

Every single day we must be open to being wrong as only then can further truths be allowed to enter. Always keep asking!!

1999 11 27 The Miracle of Michael

 1981-1982 While in college, I came to meet Michael Leslie, who had just transferred from Saint Mary’s university in Halifax to come to Saint John so that he might learn the machinist trade. We shared an apartment for less than eight months but came to know him as a very intelligent and generous person. He never once spoke about his many accomplishments, which I came to learn in later years were many indeed.

Michael left the machinist program early to take up a job in Chatham NB and left paying his portion of both May and June’s rent. In visiting him at his home in Douglastown the following year, I learned he had just been involved in a truck accident in northern New Brunswick and lost his life. I have always believed that Michael left this world because he had accomplished a lifetime of accomplishments in less than twenty-two years. Ever since this event took place, at least twice a year something happens that proves he is still present among us.

1999 November 27, 1999 (1:00 PM) had not been a particularly good day for me. I was filled with thoughts of a current lost friendship and went for a car drive. While driving I communicated with God and Michael saying how I appreciated their presence and how I was struggling to see who I really was. Upon my return I decided to go to work for about an hour.

(2:30 PM) Sitting at my desk, I could hear the Saturday business sales representative taking calls from customers but with years of working in this environment, I have learned to block all conversations taking place less than twenty feet from me. That is until the next one comes in, I sense that this call is different and become more convinced has I feel the business service representative feeling nervous about the questions being asked.

It is not typical for business service representatives to try and get an account manager to help with the customer on the line, this case was different. The customer had questions pertaining to functionality offered through our e-commerce suite of services, and for a BSR, these can still be somewhat overwhelming. Putting the customer on hold, she turns to me, and I immediately instruct her to transfer the call to me.

Upon spending no more than ten minutes with the client, I prepare in obtaining contact information required so that I might forward him more detailed information on Monday.

I ask him for his name, and he gives me his last name as being “Leslie”. He then makes a comment that he will be working on this project with relatives residing on the Miramichi. I must know, I think to myself. I then ask him if he is related to Michael? And he responds saying, Michael was my cousin! How do you know him? he asked. I went to school with him in Saint John many years ago. We spoke about what had happened to Michael with a promise that I would be faxing him the promised information within a couple of days.

I proceeded for home knowing once more that he is still with all of us. Thank you, Michael, for this latest miracle and for showing me yet another sign.